He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
