it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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