Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize