The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
