Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
