You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Randomize
