The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
