My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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