I CAN MOONWALK!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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