That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize