I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
only you would photoshop your dick
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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