I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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