i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The ass gains better be worth it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
