I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
