fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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