I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
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