I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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