Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
