I just threw up on my dentist
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
