I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
