my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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