No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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