good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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