You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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