Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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