you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
