No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
