Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
