remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
