It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
