Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
