please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
