After last night, I could never be a politician.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
