Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
