I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I fill condoms, not promises.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
