I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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