Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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