He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
