I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
