ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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