Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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