i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I AM VODKA MAN
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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