Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
