why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
