my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
