So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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