sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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