i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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