Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
please don't ironically join a cult
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