I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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