and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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