I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Mom said you looked used
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
