do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
