How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
