She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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