I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
