Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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