Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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