Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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