I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
