I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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