I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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