This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
