Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Do vagina's smell?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
